Drinks for babies

Notice the dank drink cozy! An excellent way to tag drinking pictures on Facebook without worrying that your boss at the ice cream shop is going to fire you.


So you fifteen and you decided its about time to start drinking because that cool kid at your school who wears DC everything told you how fun it was that time he played super smash bros "fucking smashed bro." The only problem is alcohol is so yuckers! I mean beer tastes like someone boiled a grandma and then bottled the water so how am I going to get fucking smashed too? Look no further then OLD DIRTY RESTAURANTS GUIDE TO ALCOHOL FOR PUSSIES:

Mikes Hard Lemonade: The truth is this stuff tastes pretty good, almost like a very popular citrus beverage whose name I forget, oh yeh lemonade. Don't let those commercials fool you, Mikes is not for flannel wearing guys at pool parties, its for kids like you who like the taste of lemonade and want to get retarded. Mike's basically tastes just like lemonade which is sweet bro! All the fun none of the work! When your puking yellow your going to wonder what you drank to make you bang that fat chick.

Smirnoff Ice: Just like Mikes only it comes in even more flavors! YAY. This drink is so cool that a bunch of those older lacrosse kids at your school play a game where they make each other drink it because they like it that much, its called icing and you should start doing it. Theres even a flavor that comes already mixed with cola so you don't have to.

St Ides Special Brew: The dankest of the dank for you kiddies. Not only does St Ides taste like soda, but Tupac shouts it out in a song. You know Tupac the rapper? Anyway its popular among those urban people, so it must be cool! Watch out though, make sure you get the Special Brew kind with all sorts of good flavorings like mint and berry, if you get the normal stuff it tastes like piss with no chaser.

Four Loko: actually Four Loko is not for you you can't handle it.

PS: Yes I have personally sampled all these drinks but it was for science dammit...except Four Loko...that was just for funsies.